Go This Way
I see a career coach about once a month. His name is David and he is the bomb. He is highly trained to see through my junk and the things that stop me. He is wise and he is truly committed to my growth, so when he has something to say, I always invite him to lay it on me.

Sometimes it's not pretty.

Then again, sometimes reality occurs as an insult. That's the reality I'm most used to -- hard-hitting wake up calls on the top of the head. I asked him this past week for some perspective on my Raising Malawi project. I have a few pledges hanging out there that have not converted to donations. And it's awkward for me to follow up. I don't like it, I don't want to do it, and sometimes I really doubt my leadership skills.

Here's why I love David. He is soooo sooo straight (for a gay man, no less!) but he doesn't let me beat myself up. He did not deliver a major insult to my ego. Instead, he held me accountable to the bigger picture. And he offered that if I don't start to hold people to their word, then I am doing them and me a huge disservice.

I lived this conversation at Landmark. Integrity. It's about honoring your word as yourself. When something in life is not working or working as well as you'd like, you can bet that somewhere your integrity is out. Integrity goes out for all of us. When it does, the job is to restore it. My integrity is actually out when I do not collect and follow up on these pledges. I wonder, how committed I am to my word....Will I truly do whatever it takes to raise $25K by Christmas? Or am I really listening to that voice coming out of the little black spot in the back of my brain that says, come on! It was a big goal! You did your best...you raised a good chunk of change...don't be silly. You didn't have to do any of this.

And all that's true. But I said I would, as a matter of my word.

And then I have to ask, am I willing to sell out on others who offered to make a contribution to this project? Is their word somehow less important than mine? Can I possibly be someone of integrity when I am all but endorsing integrity breakdowns all around me.

A true leader would not avoid the uncomfortable bits. As the project leader, I am actually accountable to everyone I have invited to make a difference in Malawi. I am accountable to be the clearing for integrity and possibilty, and I can't do that when my own integrity is out.

And what is a leader, anyway? The best definition I've ever heard is that a leader is someone who causes others to be leaders. It's not necessarily the smartest guy in the room, or the one with all the good ideas. It's the one who causes others to find and experience their own contribution toward a bigger goal.

So, here I go again dealing with all this Virgo energy....I'm going to do the hard work this weekend. Follow up on a few pledges to see where they stand. Yuck! I hate it. I don't want to do this...boohoohoo....but I will because I refuse to sell out on myself or anyone because I didn't feel comfortable pushing through.

Bottomline, this is about transforming the experience of life for thousands of people in one village in Malawi. I can't lose sight of that.

I cleaned up a pretence and misperceptions today with an old friend. I had been intentionally keeping him out of my life for fear that he would judge me. And he definitely disapproves of some of my choices. I do not know if we will remain friends. But we are making that decision very authentically, which is so liberating.

I feel clear again. And healthy. I don't like to share myself, and I had to do a lot of it to come clean in this case. I would so much rather be stingy and not reveal where I struggle and where I am extremely weak. I actually hate it with all my guts, but I will continue to give people (not the gossipers and crappy people, but the good people) a peek under the kimono, if you will. I am vulnerable. I am unsure. I am intimidated and insecure....but like hell if I plan to stay that way forever.