It's Sunday 11/19 -- Thanksgiving holiday madness at JFK. I was supposed to be on the 8:10am flight to Tampa. I am instead eating a Boston Creme and chocolate glazed donut in the boarding area, killing a few hours before my next standby flight.

So, what does any of this have to do with Raising Malawi? Everything.

I'm going to be on the road for the next month for work and play, and not coming home in between. From Tampa I'm going to London. Then Frankfurt, Paris, Moscow and finally Tokyo. I packed a bathing suit and a winter coat in my carry-on. There is really no good way to prepare for this trip. But I know I will be dipped into exciting, new experiences. New breakdowns. New breakthroughs. And I am very clear that before I can have a breakthrough in Raising Malawi, I have got to raise my own consciousness. I've been tested twice today, already.

TEST #1 (Kink in the plans)

I arrived an hour and 15 mins. before my flight. Obviously, that wasn't sufficient. I missed my flight by about three minutes. I am sitting here now reflecting on all the emotions and anxiety I went thru in the long and winding security line and in the race down the terminal until I received official word, "The flight is closed."

Reflecting now on my consciousness, I am quick to compare myself to David -- who tends to be a hothead in these situations. I've heard him be snippy or condescending with people, as if somehow his problem is their fault. Sometimes it is, but what does it ever help to say so? I say this actually not to pick on David so much as to thank him for being in my life so I can see my own junk. Cuz, until this morning, I somehow believed I was better than all that.

But nope. I do the very same thing, only I internalize it. AND, the more I think about it, in some ways, his transformational shortcomings are actually more evolved than mine. Why? Because he's more of a creator in his life. Although yelling, "Out of my way, you bastards!" isn't exactly a positive quality, he does usually get his way, casualties aside.

Me? I don't get my way, and then I stew in it. You will live....but me. I'll stew or, like I did today, over dramatize my lack of disappointment. "Oh, no worries. This is great. There's another flight in a couple hours....." But inside, I'm hopping mad or just flat out disappointed. I'm a victim.

Insight
I slip out of the role of "creator" when I believe there are forces at play that are bigger than me, which is often. But what if all that is an illusion? What if I am always the creator, even when the situation suggests otherwise?

In this moment, I'm not at the design of my life. I'm living at the effect of it; the effect of someone else's design. As I sit here typing on my laptop, I'm not upset or mad. I'm actually in a positive mood. But I'm placated. Thank god for wireless hotspots in airports. It's keeping me preoccupied. But am I really living right now? Not really. I'm placated. Like a baby with a pacifier.

And I know the drill. I've gotta let go...take 100% responsibility for the here and now... It's scary. It doesn't sound scary.....but when you really look around and really think about it...Yikes! It all starts to look different when I consider that I created this experience exactly as it is. This is my doing. This is my creation. (What was I thinking?!)

TEST #2 (Misplaced Desire)

No room on the 10:45am flight. I have to standby now till 12:55p. There were actually 3 of us staring at the attendant at the gate --wanting, waiting, yearning in silence to hear the words, "you can go ahead and board."

My consciousness then? I had a fleeting wish that there only be one seat not two, which I would surely get because they were traveling together. But, in the end none of us got on.

So, I sat down to play on my computer again. And I'm sitting here thinking, "Why is that fat woman with the bad haircut hogging the power outlet for her cheap-ass cell phone? She doesn't deserve it." Implying, clearly I do.

Here's what I am learning.

Insight
There she is again, right inside me -- Desire for self alone. Nasty little bitch, ain't she.

I am "evolved" -- enlightened, at peace and happy when things go my way. But when they don't.... well. Like my mom used to say, "When she was good she was very very good. But when she was bad she was horrid." I think that's a terrible thing to tell your daughter by the way, but it stuck with me. So here I am. Horrid.

How the hell am I going to raise a nickel from people who are as self-absorbed and horrid as I am right now? I don't care about people around me. My laptop is way more important to me than that lady's stupid cell phone (or if I'm really honest, even the lady herself). And I don't like her husband either...why? i dunno. Maybe because he's with her.

So, as long as I hold myself "better than" I will keep myself "separate from" and continue on the wheel of life....spinning around and around on the axis of "me" and never make a difference in the world.

I hope today's incidents were big enough sticks to jam in the spokes and get me off the Me-Myself-and-I ride once and for all.